Parent-Child Dynamic at work
Caring about people is one of my values and strengths but it can also be one of my weaknesses – particularly when it turns into ‘parenting’ rather than ‘caring’.
The psychologist Eric Berne developed a theory which says that there are three “ego states” – parent, child, adult and that (as grown ups) we all switch between them. In a conversation you can have a discussion adult to adult or parent to child, but not child to adult or parent to adult.
At work (and with most grown up conversations) the aim should always be to have adult to adult conversations, however I am continually surprised by how often I see parent/ child conversations going on between those who should know better (myself included). These conversations happen either when one person moves into the ‘parent role’ as they over explain, try to protect or overly dumb down an explanation. Or when someone moves into the ‘child role’ by creating a sense of helplessness. As conversations can only happen adult to adult or parent to child, when one person takes on the ego of parent or child they force the other person into the opposite role.
This is damaging for all concerned. It puts the responsibility entirely with the ‘parent’ and prevents the ‘child’ from being taken seriously. If someone who reports to you is being treated in this way then you are limiting their ability to learn, grow and fail when necessary. The person being treated like a child will react in one of two ways – either feeling frustrated, embarrassed and fed up or allow themselves to just passively float through the days knowing they have no responsibility. And if you are in the role of ‘parent’ to an adult who is working for you, then it is exhausting and frustrating as you take on an additional emotional load.
I have found that explaining this theory to those I work with, especially those I tend to try and ‘look after’ a bit too much, has been really useful. It gives us a vocabulary to point out when conversations are moving out of the adult to adult sphere and to bring it back in line. It makes both sides aware when people are moving from caring about each other (which I strongly advocate) to enabling child or parent-like behaviour. However, if you don’t think this is an option then being aware of these states and trying your hardest not to move to ‘parent’ or ‘child’ mode is fundamental to ensuring that there are ‘adult’ outcomes from your interactions.
As you go through the next few days, take notice of when you feel yourself slipping into parent or child mode – call it out either to yourself or the person you are communicating with. And see if just being aware of this potential dynamic helps you to remain as adult as possible!
