Option B

This book by Sheryl Sandberg and Adam Grant came out in 2017, two years after Sandberg’s husband had died very unexpectedly aged 47. The two main ideas that run through the book are how to nail ‘Option B’ when ‘Option A’ is no longer on the table and how to build resilience in the face of awful tragedy.

I have never been one to pursue ‘Option A’ at all costs – I have always believed that being too blinkered in any one course means that you can miss out on wonderful opportunities that aren’t straight in front of you. I am also relatively pragmatic when it comes to realising that we can’t change the past and have to play the hands we are dealt rather than waste too much time wishing things had gone differently. Though I am intrigued to read Daniel Pink’s book, The Power of Regret, to work out whether I should be a bit more regretful about things past… 

However, there are scenarios when Option A is so what you imagined and are working towards, that Option B can feel terrible and being able to embrace it seems a pale imitation of what you imagined. During the pandemic this has happened in all sorts of ways – from 15 person weddings and funerals, to leaving drinks held over zoom (at best), milestone birthday parties and holidays being cancelled. And yet I have heard stories where these ‘Option Bs’ actually gave people an unexpectedly wonderful experience. Where people appreciated all that they had and bonded in intimate ways. This is very much what the book tries to promote – that when faced with Option B we have two options. To complain about how much we wanted Option A and to dwell on all we are missing out by not having that scenario or to embrace what is in front of us. With open arms we “kick the shit out of Option B.”

Resilience is the other main tenant of the book. Resilience is such a buzzword these days that it can turn people off. There are books, training, podcasts that all focus on the need for people to become more resilient (often with a subtext that the ‘snowflake generation’ give up at the first sign of trouble and need to toughen up). However this book takes a much more compassionate look at resilience with a particular focus on how to help children who have gone through something so traumatising. It reminds us of the need to be kind (to ourselves and others), to seek joy (even when that might feel very conflicting), address the elephant in the room and realise that how we feel now isn’t going to last forever. Grief isn’t linear and nor is our ability to manage it. So much of resilience is knowing when to just put one foot in front of the other and when to get the support we need. It definitely isn’t carrying on despite everything but it is about being honest with ourselves and others.

Sandberg also talks about the changes she would make to her seminal book Lean In which came out in 2015. In that she talks about the importance of a partner who will support women to be successful. She now realises that there are all sorts of people for whom a supportive partner just isn’t on the cards and has the humility to acknowledge how much more difficult life is for them and how her ideas need to be adjusted. 

This book isn’t ground-breaking in that most of the ideas are ones you will have heard elsewhere. However Sandberg’s fame (coupled with the research and analysis of Grant) brought these topics into the open and allowed us all to realise that we have a choice on how we approach ‘Option B.’